The Damage of Criticism

The Damage of Criticism

     The effect that criticism has upon a person, explains that when you verbally attack me, it is a given that I will retaliate. It isn’t much different than if you were physically assaulting me. I perceive your words as an attack against the essence of me, and it is almost within the category of self-defense for me to strike back at you. Every fiber of my being screams out to defend myself against the onslaught of your words.

     Criticism is but one step below a verbal attack. It isn’t quite as pointed, not quite as aggressive- but not that far off. When you criticize me, I am under attack. The essence of me, who I am, and what I stand for is being assaulted. You may not have intended it that way, but that is what I feel. There is a powerful sense of disapproval and condemnation that comes across, and I feel under attack. No one likes to be criticized, and the easiest course is to avoid the pain by pulling away. The greater you are in my eyes, the greater the damage of your words, and the more they will drive a wedge between us.

     The realty is that we humans are very sensitive; we hunger for approval and despise rejection. When you criticize me, it may not be your intention, but I feel unwanted and unaccepted. I feel that you don’t approve of me so I am not respected in your eyes. That emotion is very difficult to bear. The easiest course is for me to run away- away from the situation, and away from you.

     For that reason, criticism is poison to all relationships. As a parent, it is one of the most noxious elements that can ruin an otherwise strong relationship.  As a spouse, it can be the wedge that drives apart an otherwise happily married couple. And among friends, it can be the force that ends an otherwise nurturing relationship.

     One of the most difficult experiences for a person to live through is disapproval. When I am aware that you disapprove of me, it is so hurtful that, rather than bear the pain, I avoid it by avoiding you. The more I value your opinion, the more hurt I will feel, and the more those words will cause me to want to escape your presence.

     Three rules of criticism. For that reason, before a person sets out to criticize, he should remember the three cardinal rules of criticism. The first rule is; don’t do it. The second rule is; don’t do it. And the third rule is; don’t do it.

     Don’t do it, because it hurts. Don’t do it, because it distances people. Most of all, don’t do it, because it does not work.

     Even if your intentions are to help, and even if you only mean these words for the good of the recipient, criticism is a powerful separator that accomplishes no good, merely drives people apart, and should be avoided like the plague.

                                         

  By R’Ben Tzion Shafier